Transcendental Transfixion
by Miranda Crystal-Bearer
Summary: Momiji's thoughts upon the leaving of his mother. Dedicated to the memory of Debbie Edwards and her surviving family.


A/N: I do not own Fruits Basket, nor the characters within.

* * *

Transcendental Transfixion

I smile with tears

You wonder why

You see me cry

Smile despite fears

So young and sad and full of life

The smile for those

Who need

Who need

Sunshine the most

And for the joy of life yet

The tears for all

I've known

I've borne

With my small

Heart and grieved for those lost

And the sorrow

Of loss

Of loss

Dark tomorrow

Lonely without such love

Yet smiles

For me

For family

And the miles

Walked with friends and joy

Transcendental

I am free

I am me

To fly or fall

With the Lord's love

Transfixion

I am here

With sheer

Grieved conviction

That I will never laugh again

* * *

For the longest time I couldn't bear to stay here. In this house. In this home. Muti was not HERE. She was not here. Somehow it made it less of a home. It made it less of a life. She was not here. I couldn't bear it. It made me angry, made me sad, made me so very scared and so very sad. In turns I fought, I cried, I broke things, and I apologized. The apologies petered out, the fights less. But oh, how I cried, as the first few weeks settled heavily on me. I simply couldn't stand it. Muti was gone. Oh, she was alive, and happy, my papa tried to tell me. And somewhere, I knew that. But for me, at that time, nothing mattered more than the fact that she was gone. And it hurt. It hurt so badly. I didn't have Hatsuharu, like Yuki and Kisa have. I didn't have Shigure and Ayame like Hatori has. I had no-one but papa, and he was just as hurt as I was. We couldn't leave, but I didn't think I could bear to stay. I couldn't...but papa did. I found him, one day, sitting quietly in his room, what had been their room. He was holding her nightgown to his face, breathing in her smell. He looked up at me; I could tell he'd been crying.

"She's not coming back," I told him, angry and hurting.

"I know," he whispered. And that was all he said for a while, putting his face back into the fabric. When he spoke again, he was so quiet. "But, Mo-chan, I'd rather she didn't come back. She wasn't happy. And I so wanted her to be happy. I wanted her to be happy, Mo-chan. I let her go."

"But why does it have to hurt? Why do we cry if she's happy?" I screamed.

He looked up at me, and smiled. "Because it's love, Mo-chan. Because sometimes, you have to love from a distance and smile on the outside. And though we cry, if you love someone, you'll let them be happy. You remember how she was, don't you? She was always so hurt, and her eyes were full of pain. She wasn't happy."

"...but now we're not happy," I whispered to him, coming closer.

He reached out to hug me. "Oh, Mo-chan...we're Sohma. The Sohmas are never happy for long. I'm sorry. We will be happy, sometimes, Mo-chan."

I put my head on his shoulder, and cried a little. "Papa, I'm tired of being sad. This house makes me sad."

"Because it reminds you of her?" he asked, so wisely. "Mo-chan, don't think that's she gone, every time you look around. Try to think of the good times."

"I can't! I can't."

"It will get easier, Mo-chan. It may not get better, but it will get easier."

It never did get easier. It never did get better. And I can't say I got any stronger. It still hurts to be in this house. But somehow...I can stand it. Somehow, I can live here. It's not much of a home, it's not the best life, but I can stay here. I can live here. And I can smile. I don't smile because Muti is happy. Oh no. I smile because I couldn't stand to be so sad anymore. But...knowing that she is smiling again, without that hurt in her eyes...it does make it a little easier to smile.

* * *

This poem and story is dedicated to KT-sama in light of the death of her mother. My condolances, love, and prayer to you, KT-sama, and for your family in the wake of this tragedy. May the Lord bless you and keep you, may His face shine upon you, and may He exalt you before your enemies. 


End file.
